Are you loved… or are you feared?”
Surprisingly many people cannot tell the difference. They somehow mistake fear for love. So let me rather ask:
Do you want to be feared… or loved?”
Abusers have many methods and techniques of controlling the dependent people in their lives. They use ridicule, humiliation, and verbal, emotional and physical violence to get what they want, to have their way, or just to vent their frustrations, but they also enjoy the power, they get a kick out of it, a thrill, a high, and they crave that mixed feeling of superiority, control, being feared… basically power. They have no feeling sense for the other person, the victim of their assault or tirade, be it their child, or sibling, or parent, or colleague or whoever, and they have no conscience, or the inner guide which alerts them when they have transgressed someone’s rights or done something wrong. No outer guide either because everyone around them is so afraid of them… someone may speak out sometime, but they see this merely as a rebellion that needs to be squashed. Anyone who challenges them is inherently wrong, and needs to be broken down, that is the form of their moral code.
Because they have built up elaborate walls of fear and distrust between them and those who are closest to them, they have to maintain what looks like the very solid invincible persona of the infallible power, but actually it is frail and fragile, it is the essence of weakness masquerading as strength or power. Incapable of real, sincerity and empathy, they are incapable of the vulnerability that love requires, but they also want to be loved so they compensate by doing other things, buying things, helping people, and this gives them something like a feeling of being needed and appreciated, and… loved. They are happy that they can speak one of the love ‘languages’, even though it is the lowest and most selfish… giving to receive. Outwardly with other people in certain circles, outside the home, they appear to be very pleasant, friendly, fun, funny… they can be very highly respected and well thought of by friends, extended family and colleagues, but the people closest to them see a very different side to them.
Like all these dictators who rise to power by cunning and aggressive methods and techniques, the household abuser makes everyone afraid of them and no one rebels because the abuser/dictator has the power to punish, and the abuser will use whatever means necessary to maintain their position, their hegemony. How do they become this way? They observe and experience their own parent’s pathology, and they imbibe those energies and energetic complexes and then they continue to operate the installed program independently autonomously. The parent’s abusive behavior may or may not have been directed at the individual, they may have been abused themselves or the experience may have consisted primarily of witnessing or observing the routine, ritual, chronic abuse of the other parent or sibling. The person internalized it and accepted the patterning into their own framework and identity, and continued playing out the same or similar kinds of abuses and patterns of abuse on the dependent people around them, the one’s lower down than them in the power hierarchy who they could control and manipulate and break down to be subordinate. Usually the very same parent and sibling, but also often the abusive parent as they grow older will get some of their own medicine back from the abuser they created. And the two will probably continue their patterning onto the next… the third generation, and so it goes, on and on and on and on… until a conscious one comes along and ends the cycle.