Abuse, Family, I12BF3, Relationship

The Abuser

Are you loved… or are you feared?”

Surprisingly many people cannot tell the difference. They somehow mistake fear for love. So let me rather ask:

Do you want to be feared… or loved?”

Abusers have many methods and techniques of controlling the dependent people in their lives. They use ridicule, humiliation, and verbal, emotional and physical violence to get what they want, to have their way, or just to vent their frustrations, but they also enjoy the power, they get a kick out of it, a thrill, a high, and they crave that mixed feeling of superiority, control, being feared… basically power. They have no feeling sense for the other person, the victim of their assault or tirade, be it their child, or sibling, or parent, or colleague or whoever, and they have no conscience, or the inner guide which alerts them when they have transgressed someone’s rights or done something wrong. No outer guide either because everyone around them is so afraid of them… someone may speak out sometime, but they see this merely as a rebellion that needs to be squashed. Anyone who challenges them is inherently wrong, and needs to be broken down, that is the form of their moral code.

Because they have built up elaborate walls of fear and distrust between them and those who are closest to them, they have to maintain what looks like the very solid invincible persona of the infallible power, but actually it is frail and fragile, it is the essence of weakness masquerading as strength or power. Incapable of real, sincerity and empathy, they are incapable of the vulnerability that love requires, but they also want to be loved so they compensate by doing other things, buying things, helping people, and this gives them something like a feeling of being needed and appreciated, and… loved. They are happy that they can speak one of the love ‘languages’, even though it is the lowest and most selfish… giving to receive. Outwardly with other people in certain circles, outside the home, they appear to be very pleasant, friendly, fun, funny… they can be very highly respected and well thought of by friends, extended family and colleagues, but the people closest to them see a very different side to them.

Like all these dictators who rise to power by cunning and aggressive methods and techniques, the household abuser makes everyone afraid of them and no one rebels because the abuser/dictator has the power to punish, and the abuser will use whatever means necessary to maintain their position, their hegemony. How do they become this way? They observe and experience their own parent’s pathology, and they imbibe those energies and energetic complexes and then they continue to operate the installed program independently autonomously.

The parent’s abusive behavior may or may not have been directed at the individual, they may have been abused themselves or the experience may have consisted primarily of witnessing or observing the routine, ritual, chronic abuse of the other parent or sibling. The person internalized it and accepted the patterning into their own framework and identity, and continued playing out the same or similar kinds of abuses and patterns of abuse on the dependent people around them, the one’s lower down than them in the power hierarchy who they could control and manipulate and break down to be subordinate. Usually the very same parent and sibling, but also often the abusive parent as they grow older will get some of their own medicine back from the abuser they created. And the two will probably continue their patterning onto the next… the third generation, and so it goes, on and on and on and on… until a conscious one comes along and ends the cycle.


Face your fears!

I stood there not sure what to do next. My lead vocalist just left the stage in a puddle of tears half way into our set, the rest of the band were very late, had not arrived yet, and the audience of some thirty work colleagues were looking at me expectantly… trying to look cool, but my heart is thumping, hands sweating… what to do?


As an aspiring musician I have always been held back by a debilitating shyness, or when it comes to performance then I guess it’s called acute stage fright. My heart starts racing and pounding, my hands and fingers start shaking, and my breath becomes erratic, and it’s quite obvious that there is no way I can play the guitar and sing my song. So I tended to be a private musician, playing for my own creative expression.

I remember a really disastrous experience once when there was a teaching meeting and they asked me to prepare some music, and I had been working on a really cool new song, and when they called me up I came to the centre of the large room, surrounded by people… I thought ok this is the moment, when I shine. But instead I sucked! I stumbled, fumbled and mumbled my way thru the song and when I finished there was complete and utterly awkward silence. I wished that couch could have swallowed me whole. I must have sounded terrible! Those kind of experiences don’t help at all. Looking back i should have prepared a sing-a-long, but oh well, so much for hindsight.

What did help was joining a band. A friend invited me to join a choir he was starting, and this was a great experience, besides making friends and having fun making religious music, i had to also up my game, and improve technically which meant practise and composure… also i got exposure to live performance in a situation with backing music and many vocalists and so the guitar was not prominent so I could kind of disappear in the background and that suited me just fine. I also didn’t have to worry about making mistakes as they weren’t so noticeable. Sometime later I made a friend at work who sings and we started writing songs together, beautiful simple poetic songs, we just clicked from the word go. Eventually formed a band, with drums, bass and keys, and I found that in the band even though the songs were acoustic guitar driven and i had to be on point, the spotlight was not on me, it was on the lead vocalist, and so I could relax, compose myself and get into it, and enjoy the music, and the stage fright was disappearing with every gig. I still used to get very nervous, and still had shaky hands int he beginning but it cleared up. Essentially as a musician you want to communicate freedom to people not inhibition and fear.

But now, here I was at this work function, standing on stage with my guitar, silence… except for the mic making those feedback squeals, everyone looking at me. We were doing a very emotional song that she wrote for her brother who passed away, and half way thru she broke down crying, and someone took her to another room to recover herself. Note to self: don’t do that song again. I could take a seat and wait for her, but… I don’t know what came over me, really out of character, but I came up to the mic and I… played and I sang my song.

“I don’t ever want to be, lost here without You. I don’t ever want to feel, lost here without You. La la lala laa laa laa… I don’t ever wanna beeeee… Stuck inside a memoryyyy. I don’t ever wanna feeeeel. Lost inside a fantasyyyy, yeaaaah yeah!”

And I was good, they loved it. It felt amazing! Sitting here reminiscing about it I remembered that ‘Art of Living’ seminar which I gate crashed a few months before. I told them about my music and my fear and with help I set myself a challenge to play my music for an audience and the target was within six months. I didn’t think it was gonna happen, and I had completely forgotten about that, but quite unexpectedly, almost six months later… it happened… I did it!

play guit jazzy learn