The first way this manifests is through fear of relationship. Already there is the general low level background fear of people in general, but as you start to get to know someone you feel this more directed fear, that this person won’t really like you, or you won’t know what to say, or that ultimately you will be rejected and abandoned and so you avoid them, misread their intentions and signals, lose out on the opportunity to get to know someone who genuinely cares and is interested in you, for who you are, no matter how messed up you are or feel, they see something in you that which you cannot see. And if you do not start to see it, you will keep missing such opportunities to see your own light, to have positive healing loving relationships.
Sometimes we do go deeper into a relationship and it is often very exciting and uplifting for a time but we cannot sustain that ‘best self’ persona for very long and eventually we fall back into our default persona-lity. On the one hand you experienced the beauty of being accepted and being in a relationship but on the other you are so afraid to be alone, or rejected again, that you end up fixating and holding onto the person which actually only pushes them away. You believe that you don’t deserve to be loved and to be in a relationship. You don’t know how to be ‘you’ because you has been locked away. You have been taught from a very early age to seek your self or self esteem, in someone else’s eyes. You become needy and clingy, or possessive and controlling, or express expectations and needs to be fulfilled, and you begin projecting into the relationship stuff that is still unresolved internally and you inadvertently cause the person to push you away and eventually reject you and then you feel… abandoned. It’s not your fault. It’s the abuser’s fault for messing up your emotional guidance system and forcing you to repress and hide your beauty, and for never showing you what a stable loving relationship looks like. And so you have to figure it out for yourself and the beauty of it is it’s never too late. Life will always give you opportunities to heal and grow, essentially through relationship.
Can you see how mixed up it gets? You don’t want to be rejected and abandoned but somehow you end up doing the very things that lead to this very thing – Abandonment. Similar to what is called the “self-fulfilling prophecy”. The erroneous assumption was installed in your head that you are not worthy of being loved. And so you believe you will fail at relationship. And so rather than be yourself and enjoy the other person have fun together and work consciously through relationship challenges and issues, and heal together and grow together, and remain together, and go deeper into the relationship and achieve a greater intimacy and bond, rather than doing all those scary but wonderful things, you withdraw, implode, fall away, and resort to you own methods of ‘coping’ of handling the ‘stress’, because your partner, he or she, is not ‘with you’ anymore, is not part of you, they are someone to struggle with, and struggle against, and that is the beginning of the slide, and the together-coming force changes to the apart-moving force, and then separation is inevitable, sooner or later, it has to end, unless one or both become more conscious and make the together-coming force override any other tendencies, habits and patterns and then, yes! Love can and does find a way.
No one is perfect and the other person is also messed in their own way. Often we come together in relationship because we are messed up in complimentary ways. We are the keys to each others’ locks, and the locks to each others’ keys. And this is in good and happy feeling way, but also in the bad and negative feeling way. All that is preventing you from being your free love blissful self must surface and will surface in relationship eventually and you must learn to see it, recognize, expect it, embrace it. It doesn’t mean the relationship is failing or you or your partner is not your ‘soul mate’ just because things are not going perfectly. You are disturbing each others fragile pseudo-equilibrium because you care that much, because you love that much. There is no perfect soul mate and not every relationship is meant to last forever. But every relationship is meant to teach you something and meant to help you awaken from your default patterned limiting persona-lity. If you fight it, and try to remain the same, you will lose. If you embrace it and open and willing to change, there is soooo much waiting for you on the other side of your ‘self’.
Love Does Not Fail For You When You Are Rejected or Betrayed or Apparently Not Loved. Love Fails For You When You Reject, Betray, and Do Not Love. Therefore, If You Listen To Me, and (Also) If You Hear Me, and (Also) If You See Me — Do Not Stand Off From Relationship. Be Vulnerable. Be Wounded, When Necessary — and Endure That Wound (or Hurt). Do Not Punish the other In Love. Communicate To one another, Even Discipline one another — but Do Not Dissociate From one another or Fail To Grant one another The Knowledge Of Love. Realize That each one Wants To Love and To Be Loved By the other In Love. Therefore, Love. Do This Rather Than Make Any Effort To Get Rid Of The Feeling Of Being Rejected. To Feel Rejected Is To Feel The Hurt Of Not Being Loved. Allow That Hurt, but Do Not Let It Become The Feeling Of Lovelessness. Be Vulnerable, and (Thus) Not Insulted. If You Are Merely Hurt, You Will Still Know The Necessity (or The Heart’s Requirement) Of Love, and You Will Still Know The Necessity (or The Heart’s Requirement) To Love.” Adi Da Samraj