Through stillness and meditation, but also in the midst of normal everyday life you can direct attention into your self, into your body and mind. By directing attention to your body you can feel what you are actually feeling but may not have been conscious of – like when you realise after hours of working intensely on the computer that your neck and head and buttocks are quite sore, but while working you do not realise it because your attention was transfixed by something ‘external’. Similarly there is a background of emotions that you have not dealt with which you carry around with you all the time and which you are not usually conscious of. General low level issues, or specific issues with specific people, and much of it can remain unconscious unless you direct your attention to your feelings, your inner state, and observe your heartbeat, your state of unease or tension, your heart and head especially will reveal much about how you’re doing, but also your thoughts as they ramble on will unearth the content of the emotions that are with you, it will come to mind as they say and if you are observing it then you will be able to recognise and become aware of it, but if you are completely identified with it then you will not even know that you are having these feelings and thoughts because they will be having you. You must remember to ask yourself:
“What am I feeling?” and “What am I thinking?”
and in so doing become the observer rather than the doer or thinker you experience yourself as a feeler, an emotional being – a person with repressed emotions and unconscious tendencies, habitual distorted emotional routines. The original emotion that was repressed was in response to what someone did to you, and it didn’t feel good. Alot of the repressed stuff has to do with people, those who we grew up with, some of them still alive, some of them passed on, some of them not around any more. Starting to feel your way back into this baggage will reveal feelings connected with people that may confuse you, and make you feel bad about yourself, because even though you cannot remember what they did to you, your unconscious will not let you forget. So in normal everyday life you will experience and even subliminally feel an inherent negativity or barrier between you and that person, but when you begin to delve and unearth the truth locked up inside these emotions will become more real, more strongly felt.
I don’t want to go there…”
The first instinct may be to suppress and not go there cos it feels bad. But if you do not persevere and go there, the unnameable unplaceable negative emotions will mess up your other relationships. You will keep projecting onto people in your life in order to explain away the negative feelings that keep trying to surface. To a certain extent you have to allow yourself to vent the anger that was due to those people for what they did, but you cannot do that until you go into it, feel it, remember and then you talk about it to someone. You dont have to talk to that particular person if it is not possible or they are still volatile and unapproachable, but you need to talk to your trusted friend or companion or a professional psychologist.