Express don’t Repress

The problem, as we have already seen, is caused by years and years of repression of emotions. Something bad happens and you’re too young, too small and so you could not express your emotions about the situation. You had to suppress it and in time it was repressed meaning it got partially pushed into the unconscious. But a part of it still remains with you in your conscious mind. If you had expressed yourself who knows what would have happened to you. Lets face it, the kind of people who do hurtful nasty things are so desensitized that they cannot see what they are doing. If you react to them it will make an already tense situation volatile. Even if you try to be calm about it and approach it carefully and lovingly it is still difficult because they don’t know that they are doing anything wrong. They cannot feel you. But that’s why its important to express yourself. If you don’t you both will suffer.

But at such a young age you could not have known all these things and so rather than get into more trouble/drama/pain you did not or could not express your upset… you repressed those emotions. That charge or negative energy would have or should have been projected back outwards to where it came from, and not inwards to be internalized and embedded, like layer upon layer of sand being eventually compressed into solid rock, over the churning molten core.

So naturally expressing yourself or more specifically expressing your emotions is a good place to start. People who got conditioned to this pattern from a young age tend to continue the habit of suppressing and repressing and so it is very important to firstly begin to express the surface level emotions, the day to day, everyday, as appropriate as they arise.

“You have the right to tell someone off if they hurt or upset you!”

This is not easy because your emotional guidance system is not yet in balance, and proper proportions, and boundaries have not been re-organised and so it will be difficult to feel accurately and express meaningfully. You suppress your emotions with most people because you don’t want to rock the boat and that builds up pressure inside… then you unleash it on those dependent vulnerable people in your life. Your misplaced feelings are exaggerated, you over react to something small because you need to resolve the inner tension that is snowballing. On the surface you feel justified in your over reaction but somewhere inside there is a part of you that knows that what you are doing is unfair, there is still a sense of Justice or conscience. But when you start getting overwhelmed you can’t hear this tiny little voice anymore, you are desensitized just like those people who hurt you, and so you start to ‘express’ but it is more like an eruption from the raw depths, rather than a healthy communication. An explosion of raw, mixed emotions in which you hurt the one’s you love! This kind of re-activity is not helpful and not healing.

“Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” – Aristotle

The right person

“How do I know if I am upset with the right person?”

Often the anger inside you is towards a person in your past. People who really have hurt you and humiliated or even abused you. And even though it was a long time ago it still lives on inside you and if it doesn’t come out in it will fester and eventually start erupting, affecting your life and relationships, and if not processed properly will then turn into illness often serious and life threatening, like cancer. Sometimes the anger is towards a person in your recent past or present but who you feel you have to respect or pretend to respect like your boss, or sibling, or whoever. And so you take their shit and you don’t say anything. These are people, past and present, who actually have been or are being nasty to you. Those people are the one’s who you need to express yourself to, but you don’t out of, well, basically…fear dressed up as ‘respect’.

But anyways when you find yourself getting upset with your dependent vulnerable people in your life, your child, your spouse or partner, your employees, small things they do can irritate you and upset you alot then how can you tell the difference? The difference between who cares and who doesn’t care? How can you tell what’s real and what’s in your head? These people who are closest to you and nicest to you, who love you and yes sometimes they make mistakes and do or say the wrong things, or forget things, but on the whole they are nice, decent people but you find yourself getting very upset and angry with them very often. But you can’t stop yourself, you can’t control yourself, you have to get this shit out of you, and so you take it out on them… but you have to first ‘create’ a scenario where they are deserving of this punishment, so that you are justified. Come on, that’s not fair and you know. You have to remember the person you love and remind yourself why you love them especially when you find yourself losing feeling and empathy.

“there is a way to know the difference if you really want to know, its quite obvious.”

The right amount

“How do I measure my upset? How do I express the right amount?

Sounds weird when you put it like that because emotions or upset are not like things or objects or currency where you can see it and count it and know how much of it you have. You just feel it. But yet you know what its like to have different shades and different degrees of these emotions, good and bad feeling, positive and negative.

“I am mildly irritated”, “I am disgruntled”, “I am angry”, “I am furious”…

“I am satisfied”, “I am happy”, “I am overjoyed”, “I am blissful”…

“I am disappointed”, “I am sad”, “I am heartbroken”, “I am depressed”….

People who suffer from distortions of their emotional guidance system experience too much of what others do to them, and too little of what they themselves do to others. So they can be said to be simultaneously over sensitive and insensitive. They over feel inside and they over react and then under feel outside!

{I am describing these things very directly and so I hope you do not take it too personally and feel like you are therefor a ‘bad person’. This is all about helping you and its going to be hard for you to recognize your patterns and what you have been doing, because you have already been preconditioned to feel bad about yourself and to be powerless. But I hope you will realize that its not your fault, you got it from someone, or some people, and they also got it, everyone gets it, like a virus, but you can get better, you don’t have to stay stuck with it, and you don’t have to inflict others with it. Before you can be truly happy you have to take responsibility and that requires taking a good, hard, honest, critical look at yourself. You are not a ‘bad person’, there is no such thing. Everyone is just messed up, some more than others. All are born pure and acquire their share of the collective confusion/madness, and then work with it and try to heal themselves and each other by some small or great degree, and try to move forward. You can only forgive yourself after you have made a sincere commitment to change and stop doing the negative patterns that are hurting yourself and others.}

You can bring some spacious awareness into your feelings when you start to ask yourself questions like “Should I really be this angry over that?”, “He is actually good to me most of the time, he is a nice person, but sometimes he just makes me so mad… why is that?”, “What has happened to make me so sad, and pitiful?”, “Should I have reacted that way?”,

“What are the consequences of my over reaction?”

The right time

There is no ‘right time’ to feel something. Emotions just arise of their own accord and you cannot stop it, you are it, you feel it, and you have to work with that energy. But what you do with the emotional energy makes all the difference. You have the ability to suppress, repress, or express your emotions. As we have already discussed the nature of the problem is that we usually suppress and repress when we should actually express and then on the other hand we explode or implode when we should actually try to express or suppress in a healthy way.

The people who are treating you badly need to know that you are not taking their crap any more, and the people who you have been treating badly need to know that you are not going to do it anymore.

It is never good to explode or implode. It is never good to repress either. However it is not always possible or appropriate to express upset immediately as it arises and so sometimes it is OK to suppress emotions temporarily until you can think about it and do something about it. It is usually better to have a private discussion with someone rather than attempt to unpack confused emotions in front of other people, bystanders, children, colleagues, etc. It is not a good idea to backbite and talk about the person behind their back. That doesn’t really help you but only creates a negative atmosphere, and potential for negative perceptions and maybe even backlash when they hear about it. It is OK to talk to someone about your feelings and get advice about what you should do. In rare situations it is necessary to act immediately to prevent harm to your self or someone else, but in general it is almost always a good idea to take the time to cool off and review the matter before expressing yourself about the situation or your upset.

The right purpose

Eventually, as you heal and grow, you get to the point where you have a certain amount of self control and awareness of the situation, and reflect on it, think about it, and start to plan how you will express yourself. You will find that your action is very important. What you do can either improve the situation or life, or make things worse. Surely it is your intention to improve and not make things worse?

The reason for you wanting to express yourself is so that you can be treated fairly and you don’t have to feel negativity from other people. The reason you don’t want to feel negative energy is because you want to be happy, peaceful… blissful. The reason you don’t want to hurt people who you love is because you want them to be happy, peaceful and blissful too. You want to have good, healthy, loving relationships with people and not always be in a state of tension and drama, where trust is eroded and no intimacy and where real deep connection is no longer possible. You want a real connection

“…you want a real and sincere heart to heart!

The right way

With this realization or awareness if you think about how to express your upset, it will have more positive and healing outcomes for you and for the other person. You will approach it with a willingness to heal the relationship. You will seek a heart to heart conversation. When you do this then there is no longer a battle, and the truth will be revealed. Someone who really cares and loves you will respond and open up and you will reach a place of confidence and trust and a warm intimacy that is healing. And any misunderstandings, or minor issues can be easily resolved within that space of shared commitment to the relationship.

However if the person is an aggressor, someone with a more deep seated unconscious tendency to hurt, and divide, then they may react. They may get upset and become defensive and offensive and fall into a game or strategy and seem to have to win or prove themselves right and justified, and you wrong and confused. That’s how you will know the difference, but you have to yourself, be in, and sustain, the attitude of peace and reconciliation. It is hard when the person is very close to you like a family member or spouse, or good friend, or colleague or employer… someone who you see every day and who you cannot avoid. Ultimately if people persist in unconscious habitual re-activity then separation is inevitable. And sometimes it is necessary when faced with a person who cannot change, or rather, who refuses to take responsibility for their thoughts, emotions and behavior. But make sure you are not the aggressor… becos the aggressor will suffer greatly int his world and the next, if they do not heal!!!

Once you start expressing yourself properly, at the right person, with the right intensity, at the right time you will find that it is very liberating and you come to respect yourself more, and your self esteem rises and you grow in confidence, your conscience is clearer, you don’t have the burden of guilt. And if you do it regularly and it becomes your new positive habit you will not have to hold all those old, negative energies within you. As you do this more you slowly but surely regulate your guidance system, you come back into proportion, you establish healthy boundaries and you come closer to balance.

Expressing the deeper unconscious

You must also delve deeper than the surface and begin expressing or communicating about the background underlying emotional patterning, and you will find that there is a lot that you do remember and there is a lot of charge there. And it can be expressed safely, released, let go of, and you can be free of the wound, and the trauma, and the patterns. Those patterns are so deep and foundational that it can be very difficult to express it, but it doesn’t always have to be verbalized and spoken to someone. In fact the greatest artists and creative geniuses have been the ones who have been able to find artistic ways of expressing the unconscious material. And the wonderful thing about it is the transformation that takes place, the deep dark negative charge can be turned into something inspiring and uplifting. In some cases the artistic representation of it is similarly dark and demonic but that’s OK too. Whatever comes out is fine, it is your expression, and it doesn’t have to please anyone. It doesn’t even have to please you… it just has to emerge in whatever state and form it comes…

“Better out than in… I always say…” – Shrek

You can write, or paint, or sculpt, or sketch, or film, or photograph, write a song, play the guitar, sing, scream… or whatever you like, but make it an expression of what you feel, deep down inside, and it will always touch people, and it will always liberate you. At times it may upset certain people because they would not like others, or the general public to know what they have done, or what their state of consciousness is, and if you expose them directly by writing a song or telling your story or drawing a picture that directly reveals the truth than they may feel humiliated or ashamed. And even though they may deserve it, it may not be the best way for you and the person to heal, so those kinds of works should be done initially privately and secretly and when you can truly appreciate it than you can then decide what to do with it… and still possibly release it for public appreciation.

This kind of expressive communicative art will help other people who have suffered like you and speak to them on a very deep level and help liberate them. But artists also often use indirect and symbolic ways to express their unconscious stuff, which can be equally inspiring. In that artistic way you don’t have to tell the person who hurt you, that what they did was wrong… you don’t have to seek justice, directly or indirectly. In some cases that’s what you have to do, and Justice is the only way, but in other cases the people are old and do not remember, or have passed on or moved away. And you cannot wait and put your life on hold while you seek an opportunity to confront them, and maybe confrontation is not even the best thing. There are other avenues of indirect expression that can be equally or possibly even more effective.

“Everything depends on the dynamics of the particular situation and only you can do it…”

You can talk to a friend, counselor, loved one, or professional psychologist, and you can unpack all these surface and deeper issues and work your way through it without having to confront the person directly. If you have a creative streak go ahead and express your emotions, exorcise your demons, get it out of your system, bring it out of the dark pit and into the daylight, let other people see it or hear it. Put it out there and you will find it unraveling within and one by one, each of those haunted memories and repressed emotions will emerge from the cocoon with wings, and you will regain more and more of your freedom, and reclaim more and more of your beauty!

“You can work within your own consciousness to let go and to dissolve it all in the light of pure consciousness and be free of it for good.”

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